my altar: a promise

All I once held dear, built my life upon,
All this world reveres and wars to own;
All I once thought gain I have counted loss,
Spent and worthless now compared to this.

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing.
You're my all, You're the best,
You're my joy, my righteousness,
And I love You Lord.

Now my heart's desire is to know You more,
To be found in You and know as Yours,
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh to know the power of Your risen life,
And to know You in Your sufferings;
To become like You in Your death, my Lord,
So with You to live and never die.

on hindsight

Daddy,

i know that despite all that i've done, You still love me. You still remind me that You're with me and You're not going to let me go. i've always been rebellious, and i know i've made You sad. there are days when You probably look at me, roll Your eyes and wonder what on earth i am doing with my life.

i know that in this season of my life, You've taken away the most important person in my life. but i know its cos You want me to know that You are sufficient for me. but its hard Dad, and i know that i am trying to find a replacement for that hole in my life instead of running to You instead. i know that the workload this semester has also given me an excuse to rely on my own strength and i have. but You know my innermosts, and You know the daily struggles i go thru. and You know the void that is in my heart, and how i've been grappling with it.

right now i just want to run away Dad. run far far away. and do all the crazy things out of a fit of rebellion. not because i don't believe You and Your love Dad, but because i'm in so much pain that i don't really know what to do. its like i got wounded and let the open wound festering for the last 3 month, with no proper medical care and just a few pathetic little smiley faced bandaids to keep the skin together. its probably pussy and all now. :(

i'm confused. about people, about life, about ambitions. about how i'm feeling or want to feel. about expectations and moving on.

i'm stuck, and i'm tired.

but i promise You that i will not stop believing in Your love for me. just give me time Dad, i need rest and space.

morning after a run

some days it just feels so surreal that i've lost my best friend.

the feeling is worse than losing my iphone or hamster or seeing another person take the dress i've been eyeing off the rack. its like half my body got chopped off and i'm desperately trying to find that part back.

but the truth is, i know i can't.

i imagine what it'll be like if we ever pass each other by, or see each other. in that perfect scene where the autumn leaves fall and the wind blows softly on our hair, and our eyes meet. we smile and walk up to each other.

then i give u a tight slap for being a suck best friend, and walk away.

i'm fine if u don't know how to be a lover. i doubt i'm perfect. and i'm not the sort who will never be friends with my ex (totally having dinner with ty next week, and i know its gonna be awesome). its not all your fault. i should have known better. i made too many excuses for you on my part. i blinded myself and pretended it was okay. yes, i asked for it. i just can't believe that the person i grew up with all this while and i literally trusted my life with is such a !*&#^@%@.

maybe u never thought i was your best friend. then what was i, all these years?

i still don't buy your allegations/claims/reasons/conclusions. i don't believe that whatever we've shared for so long was felt only on my side and not on yours. if i know that u're my best friend/person-i-grew-to-like, but u don't think the same.. there is something SERIOUSLY wrong here. ask yourself honestly if that is even possible. i really don't think i've been delusional for 5 years of my life.

i really don't know how your thought processes led you to whatever conclusion you held. but whatever, damage done.

situation: awkward much.