Bzzzzz

I am very economically screwed, in every context:

1. tomorrow i have my macroeconomics exam at 9am in the morning, which i am totally dead for. i'm gearing up for a meltdown and kissing my good CAP score goodbye. seriously, i need a miracle for this module.

2. my summer vacation highlight in july is going to probably cost a bomb. if we, F5, do go to Vietnam, i think i can go live with the refugees there cos i will be totally broke since i still have gym bills to pay and no summer employment yet. i do not want to work for my dad, the last time i did, world war 3 broke out in our house. plus, the double couple trip to Bali is going to cost about $800 or more considering i'm such a shopaholic, $800 will definitely not suffice.

3. i haven't paid for this month's gym bills. i didn't even go to the gym more than 3 times this month. pathetic. and i am rapidly ballooning.

well, at least i've got some things to do this summer. i'm going back to sensei's house on saturdays for japanese class. i stopped when school started this sem cos of my job and school and japanese that was totally draining the lifeblood out of me. but now that school's out and job's non-existent, saturday's japanese lessons should be revived. plus, i'm going for vocal training on fridays in church under this acclaimed vocalist (who's name i have totally forgot hahaha). oh! and i need to study for my Basic Theory Test which happens in June.

i am seriously considering waitressing. the only thing that is holding me back is the shitty long hours, the training i have to go thru, the scrutiny of the manager at my feeble flabby arms, the meagre salary, and the lack of impact it has on my CV. hahaha i am being very pragmatic here.

oh summer vacation, come to mama.

restless

after another very long semester in uni, i realised how much i've missed out on in my rather passive first year:

- no internship
- no student exchange
- no mission trips
- no driving license
- no girlfriends that i made friends with that i can keep forever

maybe i've kept myself locked up in my lil shell for too long. maybe its time for stubborn ole me to just get my ass up and do something more meaningful with my life.

i've come to a sudden realization that i have physically lost most of my closest girlfriends: hons, e, nat, bea (so near but yet so far), hang, ethel, jolene huang, amanda, etc. its funny how we've all got our own thing going now and maybe i've gotten too used to the fact that we're all so grown up and our priorities are different from what they used to be a year or two ago. this whole 'they have their own lives to deal with so i shouldn't bother them' mindset is freaking me out. it only dawned on me when i called my boyfriend about three times in the last four hours cos i was so bored out of my wits (not to mention he seems to have a more exciting life than i do, and so many missed calls by me just makes me look desperate). have i come to a stage where i call no one but my boyfriend when i'm bored? is this going to be it for the next 3 years of my uni life?

perhaps these thoughts are just randomly zipping through my head cos i've been cooped up in my house for the whole day (and possibly the rest of the week). my study break isn't exactly working. on the contrary, its driving me literally nuts with the lack of human contact thing.

i shudder at the thought. so please girlfriends, come home soon and ASK ME OUT! (after my exams that is. hahaha)

into combat zone

i'm always envious when i look around and my good friends have such beautiful relationships with their parents (never mind their siblings. seriously, siblings have an unexplainable love-hate relationship.)

unfortunately for me, i think my relationship with my parents haven't improved since i was 13. i feel as tho i'm in the army every now and then cos of the constant battle zone that occurs in open expanse of my living room. my bed, the trench, is perhaps the only safe zone where the comfort of the pillows steal away every last tear and unhappiness, the place where i say a silent prayer and know that the only one who understands is God. sometimes war neurosis sets in, and i sink into the eternal turmoil of depression that after 20 years i'm still stuck in this relentless battle.

like a battered veteran, i march on. i'll fight till my last breath cos i won't allow myself to be a starved P.O.W.