curse of beauty?

its always a pleasure to be around beautiful things, whether its people or plants or colours. it never fails to make me happy because the mere thought of being beside something gorgeous somehow causes me to feel gorgeous as well. 

but u know, i just realised that sometimes aesthetic appeal may well be a curse rather than a blessing. i recently watched a show about beautiful woman, tall and slim with lovely features and long flowing hair, kinda like the type of woman every other woman wants to be. She was so appealing that she had no girlfriends because all the girls were either jealous of her or afraid their guys fall prey to her beauty, and no boyfriends as well because she couldn't find someone who was genuinely appreciative of her heart rather than her physical appearances. all in all, her beauty was what made her an extremely lonely person. so she tried desperately to change her size and looks, first by stuffing herself with food to become obese, then by starving herself to become anorexic, so that people around her would see her for personality and not her looks. she didn't succeed either way. finally, she fell into severe depression and killed herself.

i don't exactly believe that there is such a person in the world. i believe that ultimately beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, although society has tried to help us define what generally is regarded as desirable today. still, after watching such a show, i started to wonder if my beautiful friends have always thought of their charm as more distressing than helpful. i mean, sure there are countless advantages of being alluring, but these advantages aside, are there more disadvantages of being beautiful than advantages? perhaps people (esp guys) will never really be honest abt their intentions of wanting to be with or near you and hence, u are never able to tell a person's actual motive. isn't this more scary than being ugly? well, i certainly think it is. 

there's this one beauty/slimming product advertisement on a bus i saw the other day that ran a slogan i really hate: 'what nature takes away, science gives back'. i wondered what kind of message the company was trying to send while promoting their product. i mean, whatever is nature is natural, and whatever is natural is made to fade through time. and if there was a scientific method that could reverse the effects of nature, then wouldn't it be unnatural and hence artificial? why would anyone want to kid themselves that they would grow old or out of shape eventually? reminds me of how the First Emperor tried to look for a potion that could make him live eternally. so silly. 

perhaps people and especially women should be taught the concept of aging gracefully rather than to try and stop the clocks that are ticking in our bodies. truth is, we can never stay young forever, so instead of fighting it why not just embrace it. 

everyone is beautiful in their own way. 

and i didn't think i'd hear my heart break

the verbal face-off i had with my younger sister today made me think about our relationship. i never once doubted that i loved my younger sister. perhaps through the 18 years i've been with her, my actions and thoughts were not always aligned, but i've always believed that sibling rivalry was more healthy than destructive. 

i know i'm a person who sets high expectations for myself, and perhaps subconsciously i've imposed some sort of similar expectations on her. i admit that more often than not i put on the 'elder sister face' and seem to sit on a pedestal to point out her faults and weaknesses, but i've never thought that she would harbour malicious or unkind thoughts towards me because i believed that she knew where i was coming from. i always had the vision of us in the future, looking out for each other and being dear to each other even when we were had our own families and turned old and grey. 

But this afternoon's heated debate proved it all wrong. perhaps she hated the fact that someone else other than herself cared for her future and welfare more than she did. perhaps all this while she has been slowly calculating the accumulation of my opinions that she resented. perhaps she has forgotten that love amongst siblings is not deserved or earned but freely given. nonetheless, i was really disappointed in her and more disappointed than ever in myself. 

i have long established that i've failed as a good daughter, but have i failed as a good sister as well? was i treating her like how my parents treated me? have i been living in some sort of stupid illusion that my sister and i were even close?

i'm starting to doubt whether i even want kids anymore. to have them tell me one day out of sheer frustration that everything i've done for them is wrong in their eyes would probably crush me like a cockroach. perhaps i've been trying to hard, and caring too much. perhaps i can no longer protect the person i've been instructed to watch over because she won't let me anymore. perhaps its time to just step away. perhaps this is the ultimate retribution for being so rebellious towards my parents. 

whatever it is.. it hurts.