on hindsight

Daddy,

i know that despite all that i've done, You still love me. You still remind me that You're with me and You're not going to let me go. i've always been rebellious, and i know i've made You sad. there are days when You probably look at me, roll Your eyes and wonder what on earth i am doing with my life.

i know that in this season of my life, You've taken away the most important person in my life. but i know its cos You want me to know that You are sufficient for me. but its hard Dad, and i know that i am trying to find a replacement for that hole in my life instead of running to You instead. i know that the workload this semester has also given me an excuse to rely on my own strength and i have. but You know my innermosts, and You know the daily struggles i go thru. and You know the void that is in my heart, and how i've been grappling with it.

right now i just want to run away Dad. run far far away. and do all the crazy things out of a fit of rebellion. not because i don't believe You and Your love Dad, but because i'm in so much pain that i don't really know what to do. its like i got wounded and let the open wound festering for the last 3 month, with no proper medical care and just a few pathetic little smiley faced bandaids to keep the skin together. its probably pussy and all now. :(

i'm confused. about people, about life, about ambitions. about how i'm feeling or want to feel. about expectations and moving on.

i'm stuck, and i'm tired.

but i promise You that i will not stop believing in Your love for me. just give me time Dad, i need rest and space.