and i didn't think i'd hear my heart break

the verbal face-off i had with my younger sister today made me think about our relationship. i never once doubted that i loved my younger sister. perhaps through the 18 years i've been with her, my actions and thoughts were not always aligned, but i've always believed that sibling rivalry was more healthy than destructive. 

i know i'm a person who sets high expectations for myself, and perhaps subconsciously i've imposed some sort of similar expectations on her. i admit that more often than not i put on the 'elder sister face' and seem to sit on a pedestal to point out her faults and weaknesses, but i've never thought that she would harbour malicious or unkind thoughts towards me because i believed that she knew where i was coming from. i always had the vision of us in the future, looking out for each other and being dear to each other even when we were had our own families and turned old and grey. 

But this afternoon's heated debate proved it all wrong. perhaps she hated the fact that someone else other than herself cared for her future and welfare more than she did. perhaps all this while she has been slowly calculating the accumulation of my opinions that she resented. perhaps she has forgotten that love amongst siblings is not deserved or earned but freely given. nonetheless, i was really disappointed in her and more disappointed than ever in myself. 

i have long established that i've failed as a good daughter, but have i failed as a good sister as well? was i treating her like how my parents treated me? have i been living in some sort of stupid illusion that my sister and i were even close?

i'm starting to doubt whether i even want kids anymore. to have them tell me one day out of sheer frustration that everything i've done for them is wrong in their eyes would probably crush me like a cockroach. perhaps i've been trying to hard, and caring too much. perhaps i can no longer protect the person i've been instructed to watch over because she won't let me anymore. perhaps its time to just step away. perhaps this is the ultimate retribution for being so rebellious towards my parents. 

whatever it is.. it hurts.