moving forward

i remembered some time ago bea was sharing with me that the important people in her Christian walk have all left her side. it left her very crushed at first, but later she realised that it was a season where God wanted to deal with her alone. i couldn't quite comprehend everything she was telling me at first, but i'm finally starting to get a gist of what she was saying. basically, moving out of the comfort zone. 

its in moments of your greatest vulnerability that God becomes strong. in my confusion and anxiety, with a heavy heart and very restless spirit, to sit down and listen. and yes, the humility to admit that i've been a pighead so far so that i can make the u-turn and get right again. i think there are some serious problems with my personality that require moulding. it really didn't help that my previous relationship only allowed me to bring out the worst in myself. 

there are two parts of the fruit of the spirit that i have some problems grappling with, one of them is gentleness. the people i meet and know me can describe me in a varied number of adjectives: outgoing, happy, responsible, motivated, etc. but i am quite sure gentleness doesn't even cross their minds about me. the other one is self control, something i believe every single human being on the face of this planet struggles with every day. but yet, without making sure those two parts are right in my life, sad to say, i have an incomplete fruit. 

break me and mould me again. and i will be complete in You. 

'Of course, i quite agree that the Christian religion is, in the long run, a thing of unspeakable comfort. But it does not begin in comfort; it begins in the dismay i have been describing, and it is no use at all trying to go on to that comfort without first going through that dismay. In religion, as in war and everything else, comfort is the one thing you cannot get by looking for it. If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end: if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth - only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with, and, in the end, despair.'  - C.S. Lewis