disillusionment

so very often, i don't realise how disillusioned i am.

its not the first time, and here i am again after 3 years, back to square one. its so hard for me to just let go and walk away. the lingering feelings that cause me to hold back and not move on like i should. i have no one but myself to blame, choosing to live in the shadows of the past and refusing to shove off and walk into the future. the fear of not knowing what is to come makes it so difficult.

yet, reality literally hit me in the face today. yeah, it is time to pluck up courage and just go; to look at adversity in the eye and face it; to let my heart grow cold again; to realise that hoping brings pain only to myself and no one else; and to realise that there is no one out there except God.

i feel used. utterly door-matted.

ughh.