my innermosts

sometimes i really get tired of all this. seriously, its just nonsensical. i wonder why i am still here after so long, just waiting and waiting. i'm not worried, i'm just tired. 

sometimes its seems very futile, cos in the end everything moves back to square one. and mistakes made are not learnt, problems are not solved. things are just perpetuated at limbo. 

sometimes i just want to get up and go. to just walk away from everything these past 4 (coming 5 years) has brought, every single thing. just move on, start over again and forget everything that has happened. 

i don't understand how everything even became like this, how things came to this stage. why why why? i don't understand at all. 

yet each time i am compelled by my exhaustion and impatience, i am simply overwhelmed by God's promise. wait, He says. just be still and wait, and surely my Word will come to pass. 

i can't see out of this endless dark tunnel now. this abyss that i am trapped in, almost willingly. but i am trusting, because i know everything will be beautiful in His time. He said that He will be a light unto my path, so He will surely guide my steps even in the dark. 

Father, you see my heart, you know my innermosts. i only want Your will to be done, and i will cling to You because You are my only hope.