dear john

i don't know how long its been since i last wrote to you. i hope you've been well, and things are coming along good on your side.

its been really busy this semester, i hardly have time to catch my breath. i've been drowning in work every single day, and sleeping less than 5 hours a day.

i think about you every day, and wonder how you're doing. whenever that happens, i just lose all energy to do anything else. its so hard to move on. its almost like i lost the part of me that mattered the most for the longest time. and now not having it here is just so strange. it feels like there's something missing in my life that i am forced to not find back. it feels like i've lost a piece of me. i wonder if you feel the same way.

i forgive you. i already forgave you the day you mustered up enough courage to tell me how you've been feeling. not that i condone it, or i feel less hurt. not that i think you were right. not that i understand at all, in fact up till this day, i don't. but i forgive you, because i don't have the capacity to be angry at you for more than a moment. i try. but if i have to try so hard, i might as well just not. its silly. i want to talk to you, i want to be around you. but i'm just scared, that the moment i see you again, the determination to move on and never look back would break. i'm afraid that if i look into your dancing eyes again, the emotions would just overwhelm me once more. i'm afraid that when the words 'i've finally found her' roll out from your lips, i'd have to force myself to be happy for you.

when i think about this whole thing, i just feel numb. maybe its cos for the past two months i have so unnaturally forced myself away from you and shoved myself into my work. everyone's been telling me to be strong, but deep inside my heart is still in pieces. you're so selfish. you're so selfish that i don't even know you anymore. in all this, i realized that there has never been me in this picture all these years. its just been you and the rest of the world. it pains me to think that i've been living in my own dream all this while. painting my own fairytale. colouring the future we called 'ours' by myself.

guess it didn't work out in the end. and it's time for us to put down the mountain of emotional baggage and start anew.

i'm so scared now to be vulnerable nowadays. so cynical about everything that has to do with love. so sorry for those who taste it, so sympathetic to those bounded by it, so afraid that i'd never find it again, or worse still find it but to have it fruitless and barren once more. i don't know how long its gonna take. six months, a year, maybe another five years. i don't know. i'll just wait. wait for time to pass us by and for scars to slowly heal and fade.

things will work out for each of us. i know if will. and sometimes i wish that the fairytales that happen in movies would happen to me, and that you'll come and find me again. but that's something that probably wouldn't happen in real life. i said i'd always be there for you, i gave you a promise, but i guess its not possible anymore.

i guess this will be my last letter to you. and i hope providence will guide our paths back when the time is right.

love always,
me