sunshine and pink ponies

new land new start

2011-01-31T06:48:00.003+08:00

i'm in america, the land where apparently opportunities are and where democracy reigns.

in this land, the classes i attend in college are paramount to a joke, so there's really nothing to worry about when it comes to academics.

in this land, i'm glad to have two really great friends living less than 2 hrs away from me, so that every weekend i can escape the freezing cold farmland of storrs and run to either providence or middletown to have proper food (ie. not burgers and fries).

in this land, every one is BIG. they eat so much junk and balloon away. healthy eating promoted by the college means choosing skim milk over the 2% fat milk. but maybe if you skip the fries and mayonnaise, the meal might actually be healthier.

in this land, people think everything is awesome and amazing. exaggeration to the max.

in this land, shopping is insane. :) although the lack of malls near college also drives me insane.

and this week, i will make it to the gym!

alice

2011-01-08T20:36:00.002+08:00

has there ever been a time in your life when you felt like alice in wonderland?

everything is topsy turvy, nothing makes sense, the rabbit with the clock keeps telling you there's no time, and everyone is insane.

that's how i feel right now. i have just taken a bite of that little cake and shrunk into little alice and opened that little door, and the fat caterpillar smoking a pipe is telling me a story, of how he has been expecting my arrival..

quarter life crisis

2010-12-22T03:32:00.002+08:00

its 3.32am, and i can't sleep.

stuff that are running thru my mind take the form of phrases like 'financial markets.. bloomberg software.. p/e ratio..' while my right arm aches from an hour of golf after a week of no-golf.

i'm at the pt where i'm freaking out a bit. indeed, i am stuck. i don't know what to do. i'm not sure if i should enter the financial industry or to just do some other job. its strange, i feel so pressured to make this decision. its as if i only have a day to decide, or maybe its cos i'm forcing myself to decide when i don't really have to. i don't know.

if i sent you a whatsapp message, its cos i really can't sleep and i just wanna talk nonsense.. cos right now i'm not thinking anything constructive. its just nonsense.. and blank blank blank.

can't sleep. super can't sleep. :(

Living & learning

2010-10-31T15:16:00.002+08:00

There's always something new to learn. A new discovery every day.

Hurts, happiness, regrets, plans..

And then there are the surprises in life that you never expect was coming your way.

But every choice comes at a consequence, nothing is for free.

God, I want to find you. Lead me.

confused

2010-09-26T00:37:00.003+08:00

i've come to a point in time in my life where things are just too confusing. its as if a car just run me by, and my conception of the world just crashed right in front of me. everything is too scary.

i realize how evil and crazy the world out there is; how some people wind up in my life, mess it up and just leave as if its in their right to mess people's lives up, just because someone else messed up theirs.

its a vicious cycle of messing up.

i'm nearing the point of jadedness. i feel very vulnerable now.. insecure and unsure. been blown around by the wind and scorched by the sun. i don't know where to go or what to do about this.

i guess i should have seen it coming, beside i was courting danger all along. so now i will shuddup when it actually bites back.

i should stop whining, just pick myself up, dust myself and move on with my chin up.

@#&^#*!@(! can bite the dust. :)

tu son mia :)

2010-08-29T18:01:00.007+08:00

Do you remember, we were sittin' there, by the water?
You put your arm around me for the fist time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

-x-

wake up to reality

2010-07-19T21:11:00.000+08:00

honestly, i can't take it anymore. i admit, i need to live away from my parents. AWAY. even if it means no car, no one to do laundry, no extra TLC.. its okay. just get me out of here, pronto. i will do ANYTHING.

2010-07-14T14:48:00.000+08:00

todo cambio.. :)

Latino Feverrrr

2010-07-02T12:23:00.004+08:00

Mientes - Camila
Tu ,llegaste a mi vida para enseñarme
Tu,supiste encenderme y luego apagarme
Tu,te hiciste indispensable para mi

Con los ojos cerrados te segui
Si yo busque dolor lo consegui
No eres la persona que pense
Que crei y que perdii

Mientes me haces daño y luego te arrepientes
Ya no tiene caso que lo intentes
No me quedan ganas de sentir
Llegas cuando estoy a punto de olvidarte
Busca tu camino en otra parte
Mientras busco el tiempo que perdi
Hoy estoy mejor sin ti

Voy,de nuevo recordando lo que soy
Sabiendo lo que das y lo que doy
Y el camino que buscaste para ti
Y el tiempo es solo suyo y comprendi
Las cosas no son siempre porque si
no eres la persona que pense que crei, que perdi

Mientes me haces daño y luego te arrepientes
Ya no tiene caso que lo intentes
No me quedan ganas de sentir
Llegas cuando estoy a punto de olvidarte
Busca tu camino en otra parte
Mientras busco el tiempo que perdi
Hoy estoy mejor sin ti

Y hoy estoy mejor sin ti
Llegas cuando estoy a punto de olvidarte
Busca tu camino en otra parte
Mientras busco el tiempo que perdi
hoy estoy mejor sin ti
hoy estoy mejor sin ti
hoy estoy mejor sin ti

Chocolate :):)

2010-06-20T09:06:00.002+08:00

Chocolate - Jesse y Joy
Tú endulzas mi canción
Le das un buen sabor, a cada situación
Siempre Tú

¿Quién podría ser mejor?
Contigo sale el sol
Sazonas mi interior, siempre

Se derrite el corazón
Tan sólo con una mirada
Son tus besos, es tu voz que tienen mi alma enagenada

Nuestro amor sabe a chocolate
Un corazón de bombón que late
Nuestro amor sabe a chocolate
Oh oh oh oh oh

Uuh uh uh uh uh
uuh uh uh uh uh

Tú, tú mi inpiración
Receta de pasión
Amor sin condición, siempre

Se derrite el corazón
Tan sólo con una mirada
Son tus besos, es tu voz que tienen mi alma enagenada

Nuestro amor sabe a chocolate
Un corazón de bombón que late
Nuestro amor sabe a chocolate
Oh oh oh oh oh

Quien no ha probado y no mas
Verás que te hace volar
El cielo en tu paladar
Así me quiero quedar

Quien no ha probado y no mas
Verás que te hace volar
El cielo en tu paladar
Así me quiero quedar, Contigo

Nuestro amor sabe a chocolate
Un corazón de bombón que late
Nuestro amor sabe a chocolate
Oh oh oh oh oh

the sun is shining once again. :):)

Vivo en Mexico

2010-06-14T13:51:00.002+08:00

Salsa & Cumbia: the 2 dances i do on an almost daily basis here. :):) Life rocks!

Cumbia

Salsa

Sizzle ttmz.. :P

Hopefully i will be as pro as them by the time i get back. WAHAHA!

my altar: a promise

2010-05-09T19:53:00.003+08:00

All I once held dear, built my life upon,
All this world reveres and wars to own;
All I once thought gain I have counted loss,
Spent and worthless now compared to this.

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing.
You're my all, You're the best,
You're my joy, my righteousness,
And I love You Lord.

Now my heart's desire is to know You more,
To be found in You and know as Yours,
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh to know the power of Your risen life,
And to know You in Your sufferings;
To become like You in Your death, my Lord,
So with You to live and never die.

on hindsight

2010-05-06T19:12:00.004+08:00

Daddy,

i know that despite all that i've done, You still love me. You still remind me that You're with me and You're not going to let me go. i've always been rebellious, and i know i've made You sad. there are days when You probably look at me, roll Your eyes and wonder what on earth i am doing with my life.

i know that in this season of my life, You've taken away the most important person in my life. but i know its cos You want me to know that You are sufficient for me. but its hard Dad, and i know that i am trying to find a replacement for that hole in my life instead of running to You instead. i know that the workload this semester has also given me an excuse to rely on my own strength and i have. but You know my innermosts, and You know the daily struggles i go thru. and You know the void that is in my heart, and how i've been grappling with it.

right now i just want to run away Dad. run far far away. and do all the crazy things out of a fit of rebellion. not because i don't believe You and Your love Dad, but because i'm in so much pain that i don't really know what to do. its like i got wounded and let the open wound festering for the last 3 month, with no proper medical care and just a few pathetic little smiley faced bandaids to keep the skin together. its probably pussy and all now. :(

i'm confused. about people, about life, about ambitions. about how i'm feeling or want to feel. about expectations and moving on.

i'm stuck, and i'm tired.

but i promise You that i will not stop believing in Your love for me. just give me time Dad, i need rest and space.

morning after a run

2010-05-05T11:49:00.008+08:00

some days it just feels so surreal that i've lost my best friend.

the feeling is worse than losing my iphone or hamster or seeing another person take the dress i've been eyeing off the rack. its like half my body got chopped off and i'm desperately trying to find that part back.

but the truth is, i know i can't.

i imagine what it'll be like if we ever pass each other by, or see each other. in that perfect scene where the autumn leaves fall and the wind blows softly on our hair, and our eyes meet. we smile and walk up to each other.

then i give u a tight slap for being a suck best friend, and walk away.

i'm fine if u don't know how to be a lover. i doubt i'm perfect. and i'm not the sort who will never be friends with my ex (totally having dinner with ty next week, and i know its gonna be awesome). its not all your fault. i should have known better. i made too many excuses for you on my part. i blinded myself and pretended it was okay. yes, i asked for it. i just can't believe that the person i grew up with all this while and i literally trusted my life with is such a !*&#^@%@.

maybe u never thought i was your best friend. then what was i, all these years?

i still don't buy your allegations/claims/reasons/conclusions. i don't believe that whatever we've shared for so long was felt only on my side and not on yours. if i know that u're my best friend/person-i-grew-to-like, but u don't think the same.. there is something SERIOUSLY wrong here. ask yourself honestly if that is even possible. i really don't think i've been delusional for 5 years of my life.

i really don't know how your thought processes led you to whatever conclusion you held. but whatever, damage done.

situation: awkward much.

2010-04-28T15:23:00.007+08:00

calling all straight men who meet the following pre-req, drop me a message:

1) tall, dark & handsome

2) english speaking & smart

3) loves travelling

4) wants to be a best friend

5) enjoys uncertainty and spontaneity

6) preferably rich enough to support self (ie. buy your own clothes, meals, and occasionally mine) and/or drives

7) loves movies & music

8) loves shopping

9) doesn't mind bitching

10) loves kids & animals

11) doesn't smoke

12) likes a girl with brains, long black hair, big dreams, reads frequently, plays piano, sings all the time, shops non stop & isn't the least intimidated by this list.

i have some exciting news for you.. let's meet. ;) summer vaca is here!

tragedies in life

2010-04-26T15:35:00.004+08:00

dear Lord, i had two very very bad papers, and you know how hard i try all the time. i'm freaking out. :( its my birthday, happy things are supposed to happen, but its been rainy and cold all day and nothing good has happened. :(

timely reminders

2010-04-25T21:50:00.009+08:00

i was on the mrt home today; thinking about how crazy the past 6 semesters in school have been and i was suddenly reminded of the conversation i had with Toshi yeseterday before our exam:

toshi: i got a B- for one soci mod last sem
esther: sigh.. i've gotten countless number of Cs for econs, i haven't gotten past a B :(
toshi: how's your cap?
esther: _.__
toshi: whoar, that means your soci is damn power.
esther: why?
toshi: to get many Cs and still be able to sustain that kind of cap means you must do very well for soci. can you imagine what kind of grades you'd be getting without econs?!

i can't remember my exact response to toshi's last statement, but i did remember the conversation till this point, and the Holy Spirit prompted my heart (despite the fact that i was listening to Lady Gaga beep-popping on my ipod, the crowd around me on the train and the instability of the train journey) that it may be me who has worked my butt off for my results and perhaps i do have a knack for sociology, but it is ultimately He who grants me success. All glory to God for the favour in the things i set my hands and heart on.

When I survey the wondrous cross
on which the Prince of Glory died;
my richest gain I count but loss,
and pour contempt on all my pride.

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
save in the death of Christ, my God;
all the vain things that charm me most,
I sacrifice them to his blood.

See, from his head, his hands, his feet,
sorrow and love flow mingled down.
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet,
or thorns compose so rich a crown.

Were the whole realm of nature mine,
that were an offering far too small;
love so amazing, so divine,
demands my soul, my life, my all.

one of those days.. why is it so hard to move on

2010-04-22T14:59:00.003+08:00

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

i choose to sing

2010-04-22T05:08:00.002+08:00

even in the barren-ness of the situations around me, i choose to sing to You a song of praise. How can i keep myself away from You Father. My heart and my soul can't stop crying out even if my flesh is silent.

You see me, that's all i could ask for.

i was challenged today

2010-04-18T22:33:00.004+08:00

1) to re-evaluate the kind of guy i'm looking for

- to balance objectivity and emotions, and understand what i really want in a guy and the rship

- to realize that the life of that guy and his Christian walk should not be two separate components

- to realize that interesting differences can only go so far, and inherent similarities in life and ministry should take centre-stage

2) to keep my convictions for the lost

- to keep in contact with sheep that have strayed because Jesus essentially came for them

- to constantly remind myself what a small group is for - not just for comfort, but also for revealing a bit of Christ through fellowship

- to never lose hope even as seasons change and people move on

- to never get too comfortable that i stop wanting to learn more

3) to learn in the mundane and not look for quick-escape routes

- to realize that i'm at where i am for a reason and to learn something through this process

- to understand that ideas and thoughts may come but they may not be the right thing for this season

- to remind myself that i'm not the saviour, and i never will be - i'm but a vessel

- to expect small/big miracles in every day circumstances cos they are there

along with eggs benedict, people watching, cynism, and bouts of random bitching.

on another note, daddy bought me wireless aux transmitter for the car. :D yay!

i'll never be the same ;)

2010-04-16T22:15:00.003+08:00

If We Ever Meet Again

What is someone like you doin in a place like this?
Say Did you come alone or did you bring all your friends?
Say whats your name, what are you drinking
Think I know what are you thinking
Baby whats your sign tell me yours and i'll tell you mine
Say whats somebody like you doin' in a place like this

I'll never be the same if we ever meet again
Won't let you get away
Say if we ever meet again,
This free-falls, got me so, kiss me all night

Don't ever let me go
I'll never be the same if we ever meet again

Do you come here much? I swear i've seen your face before.
Hope you don't see me flash but I cant help but want you more, more
Baby tell me whats your story I aint shy don't you worry
Im flirtin' with my eyes, I wanna leave with you tonight.
Do you come here much? I've gotta see your face some more (some more cause baby I)

I'll never be the same - if we ever meet again
Won't let you get away-ay - say, if we ever meet again
This free fall's got me so
Kiss me all night, don't ever let me go
I'll never be the same

If we ever meet again
I'll have so much more to say (say if we ever meet again)
If we ever meet again
I wont let you go away-ay-ay

I'll never be the same - if we ever meet again
Won't let you get away-ay - say, if we ever meet again
This free fall's got me so
Kiss me all night, don't ever let me go
I'll never be the same
If we ever meet again

small things

2010-04-16T01:31:00.003+08:00

-after watching How to Train a Dragon-

me: ohmigawsh i want a dragon! a black one! the night-fury or whatchamacallit!

mary: =.= okay shut up

-convo end-

i heart my meimei. she makes me laugh so hard and forget that i'm actually older than her. :D

dear john (random)

2010-04-14T11:08:00.002+08:00

i dreamt about you getting back with your ex, and being really really happy.

good on you.

i obviously need a holiday.

dear john

2010-04-06T22:59:00.002+08:00

i don't know how long its been since i last wrote to you. i hope you've been well, and things are coming along good on your side.

its been really busy this semester, i hardly have time to catch my breath. i've been drowning in work every single day, and sleeping less than 5 hours a day.

i think about you every day, and wonder how you're doing. whenever that happens, i just lose all energy to do anything else. its so hard to move on. its almost like i lost the part of me that mattered the most for the longest time. and now not having it here is just so strange. it feels like there's something missing in my life that i am forced to not find back. it feels like i've lost a piece of me. i wonder if you feel the same way.

i forgive you. i already forgave you the day you mustered up enough courage to tell me how you've been feeling. not that i condone it, or i feel less hurt. not that i think you were right. not that i understand at all, in fact up till this day, i don't. but i forgive you, because i don't have the capacity to be angry at you for more than a moment. i try. but if i have to try so hard, i might as well just not. its silly. i want to talk to you, i want to be around you. but i'm just scared, that the moment i see you again, the determination to move on and never look back would break. i'm afraid that if i look into your dancing eyes again, the emotions would just overwhelm me once more. i'm afraid that when the words 'i've finally found her' roll out from your lips, i'd have to force myself to be happy for you.

when i think about this whole thing, i just feel numb. maybe its cos for the past two months i have so unnaturally forced myself away from you and shoved myself into my work. everyone's been telling me to be strong, but deep inside my heart is still in pieces. you're so selfish. you're so selfish that i don't even know you anymore. in all this, i realized that there has never been me in this picture all these years. its just been you and the rest of the world. it pains me to think that i've been living in my own dream all this while. painting my own fairytale. colouring the future we called 'ours' by myself.

guess it didn't work out in the end. and it's time for us to put down the mountain of emotional baggage and start anew.

i'm so scared now to be vulnerable nowadays. so cynical about everything that has to do with love. so sorry for those who taste it, so sympathetic to those bounded by it, so afraid that i'd never find it again, or worse still find it but to have it fruitless and barren once more. i don't know how long its gonna take. six months, a year, maybe another five years. i don't know. i'll just wait. wait for time to pass us by and for scars to slowly heal and fade.

things will work out for each of us. i know if will. and sometimes i wish that the fairytales that happen in movies would happen to me, and that you'll come and find me again. but that's something that probably wouldn't happen in real life. i said i'd always be there for you, i gave you a promise, but i guess its not possible anymore.

i guess this will be my last letter to you. and i hope providence will guide our paths back when the time is right.

love always,
me

scared

2010-03-16T01:16:00.007+08:00

my heart has become callused.
i'm too scared of being vulnerable.
everyone tells me to be strong.
why is everything so unnatural?
fake a smile, telling myself to regain control.
pretend that it was just a bad dream.
fatigued from moving on.
i'm so tired.
i'm so frustrated with where i am.

i just want to run away.
confused and cynical.
when i see couples these days, the only thing that goes thru my head is 'hah, u guys aren't gonna last forever anyways.'
i hate my thoughts.
i hate my life.
will love ever find me again?
will someone please find me?

meanwhile, pls stay away from cold blooded es.

on some days

2010-03-12T10:38:00.003+08:00

So how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
It's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gonna be without me
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe
It's no air, no air

i try very hard. but some days it just feels like i'm suffocating.

a slow fade

2010-03-09T16:36:00.004+08:00

must cling tight. mustn't lose hope.

its easy to run away, let things slide, and let nonchalance seal up the wounds.

but i know He's holding me close. and i will choose not to give up.

its scary how the world offers so many distractions when u're trying to run away, and we just end up getting lost in them.

guys are highly amusing

2010-03-07T15:08:00.003+08:00

some people try and work very hard; some pretend to be; some don't really know

and some just ARE. i like those. ;)

so what's new

2010-02-28T20:26:00.005+08:00

some people are just rude?

oblivious to their surroundings or just pretending to be oblivious. either way.. RUDE! so stop being childish.

end of chapter

2010-02-28T15:55:00.001+08:00

if i'm special and you can't recognize that i'm special. then ur loss.

it takes a man to realize that he's found a pearl, but a boy will look at it and then throw it away not realizing its value.

but the pearl doesn't cease being precious just cos it got thrown away.

the next time u see me, i will be shining so bright and beautiful.

KTHXBYE!

Reminder to self:

2010-02-17T01:30:00.004+08:00

"And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." - Romans 5:1-4

JIA YOUS!

Reconceptualization

2010-02-16T17:38:00.002+08:00

I know u love me, I know u've been trying.. To the point where u question ur ability provide for my emotional needs and wonder why is all this happening even tho u are trying so hard.

Don't give up, not now. I'm trying too.

Re-alignment

2010-02-15T19:59:00.002+08:00

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.

- Habbakuk 3:17-19

You know my heart Lord, that's all that matters.

back to the mould

2010-02-14T23:51:00.001+08:00

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." - Galatians 5:22-23

Grow fruit grow.. =)

my challenge: surrender

2010-02-13T20:09:00.003+08:00

I will surrender everything to You Father. All my hopes and all my dreams. My fears and my desires. But i'm not going to look to the left or right, i'm going to seek Your face Father. People may say this and that, but at the end of the day its You that i am listening out for and You that i want to please.

Above all, i want You to be proud of me Daddy. I know You are holding me now.

Psalms 139: 23-24
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

musings

2010-01-03T18:13:00.004+08:00

my new year began with literally a bundle of emotions. i'm gonna be 22 in four months. it scares me a little but i'm excited, because i know that this year is going to be different. one year closer to maturity, one year closer to bigger responsibilities and reaching for my dreams.

i'm going to embrace new beginnings because its time to let some old habits and things go for good. no one can be certain what happens tomorrow and life is short, so time should be spent wisely. there is much to do, but little time. there is no time to get distracted anymore. i will give and i will go if You call me to.

Power of Your Name - Lincoln Brewster, Mia Fields

Surely children weren't made for the streets
And Fathers were not made to leave
Surely this isn't how it should be
Let Your kingdom come

Surely nations were not made for war
Or the broken and due to be ignored
Surely this couldn't be what You saw
Let Your kingdom come
Here in my heart

And I will live to carry your compassion
To love a world that's broken
To be your hands and feet
And I will give with the life that I've been given
And go beyond religion to see the world be changed
By the power of Your Name
The power of Your Name

Surely life wasn't made to regret
And the lost were not made to forget
Surely faith without action is dead
Let Your Kingdom come
Lord break this heart

Jesus Your Name
Is a shelter for the hurting
Your Name
Is a refuge the weak
Only Your Name
Can take the undeserving
Jesus Your Name
Holds everything I need

You see the depth of my heart, my past, my present, my imperfections and my fears, yet You still choose to love me. There is nothing more i can ask for.

my Spirit is absolutely and utterly broken

2009-12-16T00:30:00.003+08:00

I confess my hope
In the light of Your salvation
Where I lose myself
I will find You're all I need

Sing my soul
Of the Saviour's love
Sing my soul
Unto God alone

I will meet You here
In the life we call surrender
Let the world I know
Be the glory of Your grace

You alone are God
You alone are God
We declare the glory of Your name

Reign in all the earth
Reign in all the earth Jesus

Father... Please don't leave me, because i have no one else left.

sweet like shuugaaah

2009-12-11T17:29:00.002+08:00

The Princess & The Frog Trailer

yes honyi dear, nat and i felt like we were nine year olds once again. ;)

I like this version of the full song.

adventures

2009-11-29T14:00:00.002+08:00

i really want to go to Korea..

if its possible, right NOWWW pls.

listless

2009-11-15T01:01:00.002+08:00

my heart is so heavy ladened that i can't do anything.

Lord, only You understand my innermosts.

hmmm..

2009-11-13T22:36:00.001+08:00

how do i get skinny without exercising or dieting?

anyone?

OOOooo.. i know.. shopping!! =D sounds like a plan.

in moments of desperation

2009-11-09T17:58:00.004+08:00

i really need to get a grip.

must.. relax and remember the bigger picture..

EXCUSE ME.. GET OUT!

2009-11-04T14:51:00.002+08:00

Either freshies and sophomores today don't know how to read or they just need someone to call the police on them.

They go to the Quiet Reading Area, and TALK ON AND ON, either discussing their projects out loud and putting their friends on Speaker during phone conversations (which happened yesterday afternoon) or GOSSIP about who is richer than who, how lucky their friends are to be rich, who's uglier than who, why their school (scgs) has a lot of pretty girls, who is damn smart or who is just very hardworking.. -.-

My eyeballs are going to roll out of their sockets. The fact that i don't want to hear any of this conversation between them but can actually hear them is cos they are relentlessly going on and on with their happy conversation in the pin drop silence of the Quiet Reading Area.

OMG PEOPLE!! There are other facilities in the school to accommodate that kind of need. Why do you have to do it at the Quiet Reading Area, where people actually want to read and do work so you should just be shutting up!

RAWRRR!

I have just witnessed consideration for others being thrown out of the window right before my eyes.

SERIOUSLY.. is this the kind of society i live in?

2009-10-27T15:36:00.006+08:00

I tried to interview 2 companies: one government stat board and one private corporation for my sociology project. I sent them interview questions (I actually bothered to think abt what to ask, type it out and pdf it for one of the companies) via email. They replied me saying that they would help to look into the questions i had posted to them.

BUT..
The government stat board didn't even bother replying directly to any of the questions I asked. Instead, sending me press releases, and new paper articles that i can refer to, essentially refusing to make any statement whatsoever. SERIOUSLY?! If you are not in the position to give any comments, then refer me to someone else in the organization who can, right?!?!?! And if you are, but you are refusing to comment (for whatever personal/corporate reason, then TELL ME.. and i will find someone else). He/she was really beating around the bush. I think i may have to conjure up something for him/her to write in my project since there is really not much time left. I thought i'd give him/her a chance to say something for him/herself.

The private corporation on the other hand, emailed me and said there was a discussion with the research team and they want to find out what is my point of view before they comment. UMM.. doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of my interview?!?!?!

I AM SO FRUSTRATED AND SO DISAPPOINTED WITH SINGAPOREAN COMPANIES, GOVERNMENT AND PRIVATE ONES ALIKE!! WHY ARE PEOPLE SO AFRAID TO SAY ANYTHING?!?!?!

Its just a small term paper and i'm trying to learn about society and your company.. why do u make my life so difficult?

pondering about LOVE

2009-10-06T14:09:00.004+08:00

"i love you"

does anyone even know what it means to say that?

i get quite skeptical when people say that freely, as tho words carry no weight or no gravity.

but then again, love in itself is an action. so what is the point of telling someone that, when it requires so much more than mere words.

and if your actions have been doing exactly as it is to love, then actually saying it doesn't even matter that much anymore.

so.. love needs to be proven, not just verbally declared.

i am sure of Your love.

=)

hey there, Pretty Woman

2009-10-04T19:24:00.003+08:00

RICHARD TIFFANY GERE!!

Please call me Mrs Edward Lewis from now on. =)

2009-10-01T22:00:00.007+08:00

Who am I - Casting Crowns

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

My commitment:
- respect my father, love my sister and mother
- yield to Him every single day of my life

breathless

2009-09-29T19:16:00.002+08:00

Love So Amazing - Cindy Ratcliff

Love held me closely
And set me free
Carried my weakness to Calvary

Jesus redeemer
You called me friend
Love so amazing
Love til the end

Love so amazing
Love so divine
To call You master
To call You mine
When my heart was broken
You mended me
Love so amazing
Your love for me

Your love strong and true
Your love rich and pure
Your love so complete
How I live for Your love,
I live for Your love for me

the manhole

2009-09-25T19:45:00.002+08:00

i walked along one day..

and got one heel stuck in a manhole.

i decided to stay and play along for a while..

but realized that it was plain danger to keep hanging there and not make a run for it.

So i'm staying far far away!

The end.

=)

life's surprises

2009-09-15T22:58:00.004+08:00

"i've been waiting for you my entire life..

I wouldn't change one second of our life together."

=)

i hate myself sometimes

2009-09-08T23:16:00.002+08:00

again.. i let it slip.

ugh.

unbelievable

2009-09-06T21:37:00.006+08:00

i cannot believe how thick skinned some people can get.

they don't bother to check their assignment details and then when they SCREW UP, and i mean, SCREW UP THE WHOLE GROUP'S SCHEDULE, they have the CHEEK TO ASK: 'huhhh.. why didn't u tell me earlier?'

i am appalled. amazing. you deserve an Olympic medal for best tai-chi act performed.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO PISSED OFF WITH SOMEONE BEFORE IN MY LIFE. YOU ARE INCREDIBLE!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Father, teach me how to love people all the more.

everything is happening too fast

2009-09-05T01:31:00.004+08:00

i just stop and stare blankly.

lie beneath the mask of smiles. who can tell, who will understand?
where have all the hours gone. 5 days felt like 5 years.
the expectations, the uncertain. decisions, choices, responsibilities.

slowly slowly the world closes in, suffocating and overwhelmed.
tears of ambivalence. insignificance, isolation.
utter discouragement.

then when i think all is lost, and i'm scarred for life, Your joy and Your love touches my heart, and overflows my cup. and in that moment, i have strength again.

Corrinne May - Scars (Stronger for Life)

I just want to run
Just want to hide away
Close my eyes to your gaze
Just want to leave
Don't want to hear them say
"You're no good at this"

When the world swirls with naysayers
Broken wings and torn pages
The road ahead
Drowning in my tears

Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground
You can mould and shape me
In your image
Breathe your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger for life

Losing myself
Gaining it back again
Forging strength from weakness
All that I am
All that I'm meant to be
Melting in your hand

Let the world swirl with naysayers
Pickled hearts and sour faces
What is real is what I cannot see

Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground
You can mould and shape me
In your image
Breathe your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger for life

Cut away
All within me
That won't bear fruit
Cut away
All within me

Cut away
All within me
That won't bear fruit
Cut away
All within me

Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground
You can mould and shape me
In your image
Breathe your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger

Scars make us stronger for life

courage & strength to carry on

2009-09-02T21:32:00.003+08:00

Corinne May - Five Loaves and Two Fishes

A little boy of thirteen was on his way to school
He heard a crowd of people laughing and he went to take a look
Thousands were listening to the stories of one man
He spoke with such wisdom, even the kids could understand

The hours passed so quickly, the day turned to night
Everyone was hungry but there was no food in sight
The boy looked in his lunchbox at the little that he had
He wasn't sure what good it'd do, there were thousands to be fed

But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus
The kindness in His smile
And the boy cried out
With the trust of a child
he said:

"Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all to feed them all"

I often think about that boy when I'm feeling small
And I worry that the work I do means nothing at all

But every single tear I cry is a diamond in His hands
And every door that slams in my face, I will offer up in prayer

So I'll give you every breath that I have
Oh Lord, you can work miracles
All that you need is my "Amen"

So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
I hope it's not too small

I trust in you
I trust in you

So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
No gift is too small

i want to love you, perfect stranger.

2009-08-31T12:11:00.000+08:00

if you disappeared from my life, what would i do?
if you were gone, how would i remember you?
if you're not here, would it make a difference?
if i don't hear your voice again or see your face, how will my life change?

i can't answer these questions, and its scary because sometimes i think that i might actually be able to live life to its fullest even without you.
without you, perhaps i'd be able to achieve things i never would with you around.

maybe we're just a dysfunctional unit; with all our roles screwed up.
i can't feel you. i can't reach you. i don't know if i want to. i don't know what's stopping me.
is it my pride? is it the years of hurts and unspoken words? is it the rejection of physical warmth between us?

you're a passing shadow. the perfect stranger.

i want to love you, perfect stranger.
but will you do the same? is your understanding of love so shallow that you dare not go beyond?
will you throw away your own pride and traditions and preconceptions?

or are we beyond too late to mend the gaps between our worlds?

what skittles do on weekends..

2009-08-14T22:17:00.000+08:00

don't miss me too much while i'm gone. =P

my inner witness

2009-07-21T01:07:00.005+08:00

'For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.' - Philippians 1:21

I Will Rise

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say, It is well

Jesus has overcome
and the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise
When He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise, on eagle's wings
Before my God
fall on my knees,
and rise...
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
when this darkness breaks to light
and the shadows disappear
and my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
and the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise
when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise, on eagle's wings
Before my God
fall on my knees,
and rise...
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing
Worthy is the Lamb!
And I hear the cry of every longing heart
Worthy is the Lamb!

I will rise
when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise, on eagle's wings
Before my God
fall on my knees,
and rise...
I will rise....
I will rise....

grack! grack!

2009-07-19T14:32:00.008+08:00

saw some nonsense,

thoughts are running wild,

getting pms-ey and irritated.

my mood for work was totally killed.

seriously. i've had almost enough.

i'm not God. i'm human too.

thankfully i'll be gone for a while.

kthxbye.

i need some grack and daily scoop. right about now.

Odette: "What else is there?"

2009-07-14T20:03:00.004+08:00

what do you see when you see me?

is it what you want me to be? is it who you hope i am?

if one day you wake up and find that i'm different, should it change anything?

will you respect my voice then? even if its an opinion you may not ever comprehend?

i'm changing, and i'm learning, and i'm growing. even if you can't see it.

but you know, what you think of me doesn't even matter to me anymore.
and i'm not expecting you to understand me,
simply because i already have someone who does.
He comforts me, and wipe my tears.
even when i let Him down, He never fails to love me and draws near to me.

one thing i ask: Lord, what do You want me to learn from this?

mesmerized

2009-07-12T15:52:00.002+08:00

today's service was awesome. its been the first time in such a long time i felt my spirit so excited as worship started. it was almost breathtaking.

i am convinced that God is bringing YM and Wesley to new places. i'm simply thrilled. from the first note of the worship to the message to the end, i almost didn't want to leave. it was truly mesmerizing.

it was rather strange cos i was separated from Marc for today's service. i knew God wanted to have me alone with Him. more and more i am convinced that God is here, and He has a plan and future for me. i am no longer afraid of what lies ahead or what happened in the past. my security is in Him alone.

so blessed i can't contain it

2009-07-11T21:52:00.002+08:00

despite the fact that school and internship projects are hitting the ceiling, i can't help but exclaim how totally delighted i am to have all my single ladies back from Australia! its like suddenly the sunny days are back in my life again.

Nat, Bea, Hon, Meix and I had less than 2 hours together, but it was simply amazing. hahaha! all the single ladies, all the single ladiessssssss.. i will miss you girls so much again when u leave.

i'm so blessed that you're in my life.

much love. xoxo

paternal issues

2009-07-02T21:31:00.002+08:00

every time i try to communicate with my dad, it just seems impossible.

i just want to blow myself up cos he is so annoying to talk to.

i'm too tired to deal with this. sigh.

my head hurts so badly. =(

super thrown off

2009-06-19T09:31:00.003+08:00

i'm really lost and very confused right now.

suddenly i'm swarmed with uncertainties and gripped with fear. i don't know if i'm on the right or wrong track cos everything seems wrong.

i want to live as a shining star, but i don't even know what i'm shining right now.

Lord i need Your strength to pull me thru cos i'm crawling on my knees in the dark again, hurt and lost.

Father, You are my only hope. I put my trust in You alone.

James 1

2009-05-17T21:04:00.003+08:00

Scream - Zoegirl

Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me, I need release

Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?

Has anybody seen what's been done?
Where was my defense? No one heard my protest
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released
So I can breathe again
I'm on my knees

I've been marked, set apart
But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark
One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand
Is enough to heal me and make me stand

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me

I don't have to scream for Him to hear me
Don't have to bleed for Him to see me
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me
I don't have to scream
I don't have to bleed
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening
And I don't have to scream

constipated

2009-05-16T23:00:00.003+08:00

stuck. very stuck.

i hate myself.

i don't even know where i am going anymore.

hide me. i'm scared. i don't have the courage to move forward cos everything i do is wrong.

i feel so dirty and gross and unnice and sinful.

and most importantly,
i am exhausted. literally fatigued. but i can't even stop to rest.

i wish i could cry, but i can't. cos i'm so broken i don't even know what to cry about.

how does paul do it? i don't know. he must be superman.

obstinacy

2009-04-23T16:30:00.005+08:00

i live in a world full of stubborn people. i wouldn't doubt that i myself am a very stubborn individual. i want to do things my way and i won't cower till i realize myself later that my way sucked. but yet, i've learnt that if u keep ur ears closed and ur eyes shut and essentially lock your heart up with pride to the advice of other people, u might just be walking into a big fat trap and falling when u really didn't need to. sometimes its really pride that you have to put down, to acknowledge that you are wrong and maybe your ideas on life aren't all that true.

sometimes i wonder where the fine line between listening to advice and listen to your heart is drawn. i think its highly naive for any individual to swing to the extremes.

the individual i live with, yes my sister, is just so convinced of her own way that she refuses to listen to anyone else. her initial response to anything that a person says is filled with negativity. its okay to doubt what people say or take with a pinch of salt, but its another thing to be cynical or negative. its like she's living in a world full of gray clouds. no sunlight can break thru. living in her own lil bubble, so positive that she is right about her life and her goals as she takes her time. wake up girl!! it irks me so much more because she is my sister. i pity her at times to have someone like me for an elder sister. often having my own expectations of her imposed on her. yet when i think about it, i don't think i expect a lot out of her. it just scares me now, that she is SITTING AT HOME AND BUMMING. it scares me that she hasn't worked a day in her life, and she's very okay about it. it scares me that her view of the world and her future is so myopic. call me judgmental, but seriously can/should i just let her go by for the next 3 months like that till schools starts again? she reminds me very much of a certain other person...

i am so not going to care anymore. i mean, why should i even bother. YA, LIKE SHE SAID, I SHOULDN'T MEDDLE IN HER LIFE COS ITS HERS ANYWAYS. why should i even bother getting frustrated with her since i supposedly don't even really care at all. i shouldn't care anyways, i was requested to keep my opinions abt her to myself. yes, i am just pretending to care.

fine. then i won't. and i'll just watch her stumble along when i can almost see the dead-end she's headed to, but she JUST REFUSES TO LISTEN COS SHE IS TOO DARN PROUD.

UGHHHHH!! i wonder if E has problems like that with sher and sar. i need to talk to u elaine heng!

tiny steps

2009-04-22T23:44:00.001+08:00

lonely.. very very frigging lonely. =(

just gotta learn to cope.

frigging exhausted?!

2009-04-21T01:10:00.002+08:00

can someone please remind me that this week is STUDY BREAK WEEK cos i can't seem to remember the STUDY part. i've been literally everywhere but with my beloved books. this sucks.

untitled

2009-04-17T12:59:00.002+08:00

i am pms-ing uber bad this week so talk to me at ur own risk.

don't say i didn't warn u.

-censored-

2009-04-17T02:32:00.000+08:00

i'm supposed to be very very happy.

but i'm really not.

i'm scared and i'm hurt.

its thundering and hail-storming out there.

yet, i will trust in the Lord. oh my soul cries out for help and He rescued me.

2009-04-16T11:47:00.001+08:00

cloud chaser, you're great. thank you. this song reminds me of you. =)

songs playing in my head 24/7 these days

2009-04-15T11:56:00.008+08:00

apple bottom jeans, boots with the furrrrr... low low low low low low low lowwww...

i think Lady gaga is so weird, but her songs really grow on me. hahahaha! this is for u marcus, u gotchz me hooked on this stupid song TTMZZZZ. roflmao. =D

okay i am really supposed to be finishing my paper. pppppppppoker face mamamamama..

love acoustic

2009-04-06T13:14:00.003+08:00

soothing to the soul.

marc, quick learn now to play this!!

stop and stare

2009-04-04T16:21:00.001+08:00

sometimes enough is just enough.

NEXT.

only you see my tears

2009-03-30T17:02:00.003+08:00

Tho I don't know why
Tho I am so disappointed and so scared
Tho I have no more tears left anymore
Tho my heart is so broken
Father, I will praise You in this storm
I will cling to You even more
And I won't let go of Your promise for me.

UGGHHH!!

2009-03-26T17:11:00.001+08:00

ughhh, i hate this feeling... when i hand in a piece of work that i am not even proud of. plus, not sure how everything will turn out because my analysis sounds like a horribly long RANT rather than a discussion. what's worse is that the rant is in frigging POINT FORM!!

like seriously, how much worse can this get?

Middle-march

2009-03-19T20:22:00.002+08:00

A popular novel by George Elliot aka Mary Ann Evans. Subtitled 'A Study of Provincial Life", the novel is set in the fictitious Midlands town of Middlemarch during the period 1830-32. It has multiple plot with a large cast of characters, and in addition to its distinct though interlocking narratives it pursues a number of underlying themes, including the status of women, the nature of marriage, idealism and self-interest, religion and hypocrisy, political reform, and education.

I do believe that my life is literally and figuratively like Middlemarch, i mean we are in middle-march 2009 after all. Projects are piling sky high and i am starting to feel the pressure of having no mid-terms at all, and feeling very darn dead for most of my projects cos there is just so much fieldwork to do and no time at all. Of late, more and more i wish that a day has more than 24 hours and a week has more than 7 days. It feels as tho i haven't got enough time to do everything and my work feels substandard when i review it.

Been having fever on and off this past week, half because of the horribly unpredictable weather and half because of stress. Its quite sadistic, but i kind of like this kind of pressure. Sometimes life becomes very uninteresting for me because i get bored of it easily. Lazing around takes so much effort and often no sense of accomplishment when the day is over. At least at the end of tonight, i can safely say that i have completed X pieces of work, had Y number of meetings, and tomorrow Z number of events will be happening. Its a love-hate relationship.

I am pretty sure that by the end of the semester i will feel very very accomplished and possibly very burnt out, but i guess its okay. I can't wait for April, i need to cut my hair soon cos its starting to grow awry and uncontrollable. My mom and sis are going to be away on holiday in a few days so i am going to be alone with my dad for about 8 days. I wonder how that will turn out. Hahahaha!

Okay, I am severely lagging in terms of my readings for ALL my modules, so i guess i'll scoot over and get them done now.

be still

2009-02-03T12:14:00.004+08:00

semester two of each acedemic year always proves to be a lonely time for me. every one has pretty horrible timetables so i really don't have people to lunch with on school days. i'm quite resigned to the incoherence of schedules.

sometimes it gets a bit lonely. i haven't felt like this about school since year 1 sem 1. perhaps its cos i am starting to actually study again. haha its so sad that it has become almost impossible to find good friends in school other than those from ac or mg that i usually hang out with already. why is it so hard?!?! sobs.

my consolation tho, is that i spend more time alone in the stillness with God. plus, i am actually studying things i like. haha.

its about time.

ps. the ulcer on my tongue really hurts like mad. =(

flower power

2009-01-31T02:49:00.009+08:00

bouquet making lesson today..

one new random skill

2009-01-28T18:28:00.004+08:00

i learnt how to make candy floss today. =D

even if everything else fades away, still You remain

chinese new yearr!

2009-01-27T21:09:00.002+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

this year's visiting has been a bit different:

i haven't taken many photos this year (less than 70 usually there are like 200 photos over 2 days), i am excessively tired, i might not be able to visit everyone i intend to, people are visiting my house, my house is really really nice and neat and clean and lovely for once?!

hahaha.

a lovely start to a new year ahead. =)

i can't wait for school to start tmr. i need to stop snacking on those lil cereal tarty things and start exercising. i can feel those arteries choking already.

destructive energy

2009-01-26T00:14:00.001+08:00

Father... why on earth did u make me so strong?!

T.T

festivities

2009-01-25T20:41:00.002+08:00

oh Father, knowing the lard-bucket that i am, please give me the self-control to minimize my snacking over the next 15 days. the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak..

sometimes small things light up your day

2009-01-22T13:52:00.001+08:00

i finally understand why nat thinks indian guys are hot. =D

my innermosts

2009-01-21T19:05:00.009+08:00

sometimes i really get tired of all this. seriously, its just nonsensical. i wonder why i am still here after so long, just waiting and waiting. i'm not worried, i'm just tired.

sometimes its seems very futile, cos in the end everything moves back to square one. and mistakes made are not learnt, problems are not solved. things are just perpetuated at limbo.

sometimes i just want to get up and go. to just walk away from everything these past 4 (coming 5 years) has brought, every single thing. just move on, start over again and forget everything that has happened.

i don't understand how everything even became like this, how things came to this stage. why why why? i don't understand at all.

yet each time i am compelled by my exhaustion and impatience, i am simply overwhelmed by God's promise. wait, He says. just be still and wait, and surely my Word will come to pass.

i can't see out of this endless dark tunnel now. this abyss that i am trapped in, almost willingly. but i am trusting, because i know everything will be beautiful in His time. He said that He will be a light unto my path, so He will surely guide my steps even in the dark.

Father, you see my heart, you know my innermosts. i only want Your will to be done, and i will cling to You because You are my only hope.

Beautiful Saviour

2009-01-18T23:26:00.003+08:00

Jesus

Beautiful Saviour

God of all Majesty

Risen King

Lamb of God

Holy and Righteous

Blessed Redeemer

Bright morning star

All the heavens shout your praise

All creation bows to worship You

How wonderful, how beautiful

Name above every name

Exalted high

How wonderful, how beautiful

Jesus Your name

Name above every name

Jesus

tugging at my heart strings

2009-01-15T01:10:00.002+08:00

Proverbs 4:23 -

Above all else, guard your heart,

for it is the wellspring of life.

every little girl's dream

2009-01-14T00:18:00.002+08:00

Daddy, i want to marry him when i grow up. pleaseeeeeeeee...

why why why

2009-01-13T22:26:00.001+08:00

okay, seriously, this is totally killing me.

moving forward

2009-01-13T00:22:00.003+08:00

i remembered some time ago bea was sharing with me that the important people in her Christian walk have all left her side. it left her very crushed at first, but later she realised that it was a season where God wanted to deal with her alone. i couldn't quite comprehend everything she was telling me at first, but i'm finally starting to get a gist of what she was saying. basically, moving out of the comfort zone.

its in moments of your greatest vulnerability that God becomes strong. in my confusion and anxiety, with a heavy heart and very restless spirit, to sit down and listen. and yes, the humility to admit that i've been a pighead so far so that i can make the u-turn and get right again. i think there are some serious problems with my personality that require moulding. it really didn't help that my previous relationship only allowed me to bring out the worst in myself.

there are two parts of the fruit of the spirit that i have some problems grappling with, one of them is gentleness. the people i meet and know me can describe me in a varied number of adjectives: outgoing, happy, responsible, motivated, etc. but i am quite sure gentleness doesn't even cross their minds about me. the other one is self control, something i believe every single human being on the face of this planet struggles with every day. but yet, without making sure those two parts are right in my life, sad to say, i have an incomplete fruit.

break me and mould me again. and i will be complete in You.

'Of course, i quite agree that the Christian religion is, in the long run, a thing of unspeakable comfort. But it does not begin in comfort; it begins in the dismay i have been describing, and it is no use at all trying to go on to that comfort without first going through that dismay. In religion, as in war and everything else, comfort is the one thing you cannot get by looking for it. If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end: if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth - only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with, and, in the end, despair.' - C.S. Lewis

landslide inside

2009-01-12T17:47:00.004+08:00

I feel crazy, hope is hazy right now

but i won't freak out, i won't freak out at the sound of the

landslide inside, fear wants to take my peace of mind

won't run, won't hide, i will lift my hands up high

in my trouble, i have doubled my prayers

because i need them, i need them like i need the air

landslide inside, fear wants to take my peace of mind

won't run, won't hide, i will lift my hands up high

here's to the Name above all names

i will trust You Jesus i'll be brave

i will live my life day by day

because you're the only Truth, the only Way out of this

landslide inside, fear wants to take my peace of mind

won't run, won't hide, i will lift my hands up high

here's to the Name above all names

here's to the only one who saves

i will trust You Jesus i'll be brave

in the end, i still choose you, Father. even though i don't really understand, and even though everything around is crumbling. even though the enemy seems to be laughing at the things i've lost, and my heart hurts to the point my chest aches. i know that every tear is precious to you, and i know you will make things right in your time.

trudge trudge..

2008-10-23T22:39:00.003+08:00

it feels as tho my heart weighs a thousand tons.

Psalms 38:4

'For my iniquities are gone over my head;

As a heavy burden they weigh too much for me.'

I don't know how God is going to make things beautiful after everything that has happened over the past year and a half.

Psalm 42:5a

'Why are you in despair O my soul?

And why have you become disturbed within me?'

I am so tired.

curse of beauty?

2008-09-29T15:34:00.005+08:00

its always a pleasure to be around beautiful things, whether its people or plants or colours. it never fails to make me happy because the mere thought of being beside something gorgeous somehow causes me to feel gorgeous as well.

but u know, i just realised that sometimes aesthetic appeal may well be a curse rather than a blessing. i recently watched a show about beautiful woman, tall and slim with lovely features and long flowing hair, kinda like the type of woman every other woman wants to be. She was so appealing that she had no girlfriends because all the girls were either jealous of her or afraid their guys fall prey to her beauty, and no boyfriends as well because she couldn't find someone who was genuinely appreciative of her heart rather than her physical appearances. all in all, her beauty was what made her an extremely lonely person. so she tried desperately to change her size and looks, first by stuffing herself with food to become obese, then by starving herself to become anorexic, so that people around her would see her for personality and not her looks. she didn't succeed either way. finally, she fell into severe depression and killed herself.

i don't exactly believe that there is such a person in the world. i believe that ultimately beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, although society has tried to help us define what generally is regarded as desirable today. still, after watching such a show, i started to wonder if my beautiful friends have always thought of their charm as more distressing than helpful. i mean, sure there are countless advantages of being alluring, but these advantages aside, are there more disadvantages of being beautiful than advantages? perhaps people (esp guys) will never really be honest abt their intentions of wanting to be with or near you and hence, u are never able to tell a person's actual motive. isn't this more scary than being ugly? well, i certainly think it is.

there's this one beauty/slimming product advertisement on a bus i saw the other day that ran a slogan i really hate: 'what nature takes away, science gives back'. i wondered what kind of message the company was trying to send while promoting their product. i mean, whatever is nature is natural, and whatever is natural is made to fade through time. and if there was a scientific method that could reverse the effects of nature, then wouldn't it be unnatural and hence artificial? why would anyone want to kid themselves that they would grow old or out of shape eventually? reminds me of how the First Emperor tried to look for a potion that could make him live eternally. so silly.

perhaps people and especially women should be taught the concept of aging gracefully rather than to try and stop the clocks that are ticking in our bodies. truth is, we can never stay young forever, so instead of fighting it why not just embrace it.

everyone is beautiful in their own way.

and i didn't think i'd hear my heart break

2008-09-06T15:57:00.004+08:00

the verbal face-off i had with my younger sister today made me think about our relationship. i never once doubted that i loved my younger sister. perhaps through the 18 years i've been with her, my actions and thoughts were not always aligned, but i've always believed that sibling rivalry was more healthy than destructive.

i know i'm a person who sets high expectations for myself, and perhaps subconsciously i've imposed some sort of similar expectations on her. i admit that more often than not i put on the 'elder sister face' and seem to sit on a pedestal to point out her faults and weaknesses, but i've never thought that she would harbour malicious or unkind thoughts towards me because i believed that she knew where i was coming from. i always had the vision of us in the future, looking out for each other and being dear to each other even when we were had our own families and turned old and grey.

But this afternoon's heated debate proved it all wrong. perhaps she hated the fact that someone else other than herself cared for her future and welfare more than she did. perhaps all this while she has been slowly calculating the accumulation of my opinions that she resented. perhaps she has forgotten that love amongst siblings is not deserved or earned but freely given. nonetheless, i was really disappointed in her and more disappointed than ever in myself.

i have long established that i've failed as a good daughter, but have i failed as a good sister as well? was i treating her like how my parents treated me? have i been living in some sort of stupid illusion that my sister and i were even close?

i'm starting to doubt whether i even want kids anymore. to have them tell me one day out of sheer frustration that everything i've done for them is wrong in their eyes would probably crush me like a cockroach. perhaps i've been trying to hard, and caring too much. perhaps i can no longer protect the person i've been instructed to watch over because she won't let me anymore. perhaps its time to just step away. perhaps this is the ultimate retribution for being so rebellious towards my parents.

whatever it is.. it hurts.

ephemeral

2008-08-26T19:29:00.003+08:00

of late, i've been very intrigued by the frailty of the human life. we often think that we are young and we will live forever, but never realize till it is too late that our lives are but a breath in thousands of years. its funny how we become fixated on the temporal things of the earth because it is so near to us, so physical and so immediate that we choose to let the eternal go in a moment of pure impulse.

the human mind baffles me. more often than not, we make choices in haste without considering the consequences. but there are yet more times when we fear the cost of our actions so greatly that we miss out on simply taking the leap of faith.

its funny because every day as i collect more and more pieces of knowledge that are meant to equip me, i see the foolishness of man-kind: constantly in search of power, pleasure and prestige. not realizing that such greed for ephemeral pursuits engulfs a man's soul and ultimately destroys it by blinding the eyes of our spirit toward God.

Silly billys.

i cherish thee

2008-06-27T01:26:00.002+08:00

for the sake of employment, i had to switch from my pearly white Macbook to my momsy's old NEC that functioned using Internet Explorer, the web browser i had been using all my life prior to my newfound joys of Safari and Firefox. having to revert back to an almost ancient piece of technology, i found myself literally keying in shortcut functions into that poor NEC that do not exist. i don't know which is more cruel: to be thrust away by the waves of new technology or to not remember how to actually operate the antiques. after a whole hour of painstakingly trying to work the frigging Microsoft XP, i returned to the bosom of my pearly white. oh i cherish thee, my Macbook.

summer timeeee

2008-05-29T23:32:00.002+08:00

i sort of actually resolved to get a job this summer. like work as a waitress or go scoop ice-cream somewhere. something that could actually bring in some extra income. but well, its obviously not happening cos i've been more or less bumming around not really doing much. just waiting and waiting for the last week of july to arrive at my doorstep, pack my bags and get my butt out of this island. whoooo!

i am thankful that my girls like honyi has come back from the states for the summer. however she has recently been kidnapped by something called an 'internship' so i hardly got to catch up with her. beatrice has been abducted by the call of 'relief teacher' duty, and i haven't mustered enough courage to wake up early enough to meet her yet all week for red-bowl-noodle brunch. perhaps it will happen tomorrow.

ahhh... sweet summer hols.

Bzzzzz

2008-04-29T16:54:00.003+08:00

I am very economically screwed, in every context:

1. tomorrow i have my macroeconomics exam at 9am in the morning, which i am totally dead for. i'm gearing up for a meltdown and kissing my good CAP score goodbye. seriously, i need a miracle for this module.

2. my summer vacation highlight in july is going to probably cost a bomb. if we, F5, do go to Vietnam, i think i can go live with the refugees there cos i will be totally broke since i still have gym bills to pay and no summer employment yet. i do not want to work for my dad, the last time i did, world war 3 broke out in our house. plus, the double couple trip to Bali is going to cost about $800 or more considering i'm such a shopaholic, $800 will definitely not suffice.

3. i haven't paid for this month's gym bills. i didn't even go to the gym more than 3 times this month. pathetic. and i am rapidly ballooning.

well, at least i've got some things to do this summer. i'm going back to sensei's house on saturdays for japanese class. i stopped when school started this sem cos of my job and school and japanese that was totally draining the lifeblood out of me. but now that school's out and job's non-existent, saturday's japanese lessons should be revived. plus, i'm going for vocal training on fridays in church under this acclaimed vocalist (who's name i have totally forgot hahaha). oh! and i need to study for my Basic Theory Test which happens in June.

i am seriously considering waitressing. the only thing that is holding me back is the shitty long hours, the training i have to go thru, the scrutiny of the manager at my feeble flabby arms, the meagre salary, and the lack of impact it has on my CV. hahaha i am being very pragmatic here.

oh summer vacation, come to mama.

restless

2008-04-21T22:41:00.003+08:00

after another very long semester in uni, i realised how much i've missed out on in my rather passive first year:

- no internship
- no student exchange
- no mission trips
- no driving license
- no girlfriends that i made friends with that i can keep forever

maybe i've kept myself locked up in my lil shell for too long. maybe its time for stubborn ole me to just get my ass up and do something more meaningful with my life.

i've come to a sudden realization that i have physically lost most of my closest girlfriends: hons, e, nat, bea (so near but yet so far), hang, ethel, jolene huang, amanda, etc. its funny how we've all got our own thing going now and maybe i've gotten too used to the fact that we're all so grown up and our priorities are different from what they used to be a year or two ago. this whole 'they have their own lives to deal with so i shouldn't bother them' mindset is freaking me out. it only dawned on me when i called my boyfriend about three times in the last four hours cos i was so bored out of my wits (not to mention he seems to have a more exciting life than i do, and so many missed calls by me just makes me look desperate). have i come to a stage where i call no one but my boyfriend when i'm bored? is this going to be it for the next 3 years of my uni life?

perhaps these thoughts are just randomly zipping through my head cos i've been cooped up in my house for the whole day (and possibly the rest of the week). my study break isn't exactly working. on the contrary, its driving me literally nuts with the lack of human contact thing.

i shudder at the thought. so please girlfriends, come home soon and ASK ME OUT! (after my exams that is. hahaha)

into combat zone

2008-04-07T21:12:00.005+08:00

i'm always envious when i look around and my good friends have such beautiful relationships with their parents (never mind their siblings. seriously, siblings have an unexplainable love-hate relationship.)

unfortunately for me, i think my relationship with my parents haven't improved since i was 13. i feel as tho i'm in the army every now and then cos of the constant battle zone that occurs in open expanse of my living room. my bed, the trench, is perhaps the only safe zone where the comfort of the pillows steal away every last tear and unhappiness, the place where i say a silent prayer and know that the only one who understands is God. sometimes war neurosis sets in, and i sink into the eternal turmoil of depression that after 20 years i'm still stuck in this relentless battle.

like a battered veteran, i march on. i'll fight till my last breath cos i won't allow myself to be a starved P.O.W.